My Resignation Letter To My Roommate

Dear William,

You suck. You’re a crappy roommate and I hate your guts. You’re so inconsiderate towards my feelings in the room and for this, I’m leaving….again. This time I am truly never returning and I mean it. Whenever I look at you I feel sick to my stomach. You treat women like shirts, you wear them one day (maybe not even a whole day depending on if you have to dress up to go out to dinner or something) then you just toss them in the dirty laundry. You’re a man whore. It is repulsive. The way you have acted around me since I’ve returned from my first attempted leave is no different than before. You clearly do not care about me or else you would have changed this! All of those pictures you hang up on your closet door are so ugly. Every time I walk into our room I have to look at the faces of you and all of your ugly friends making stupid expressions. Why can’t you have better looking friends? Michael, especially, has this power over me to make me just instantly feel like vomiting and he is absolutely, by far, and without a doubt the ugliest of all. I am sick of diet soda cans strewn all over our room and overloading our refrigerator. Why don’t you just drink normal soda? Your loud and obnoxious “gangsta rap” is always blasting full volume flooding my brain with heavy bass and lyrics of sex and drugs and quite frankly I find it offensive and disrespectful. After many times of me asking you to maybe play some John Legend or perhaps some Miley, but to no avail. You cut your hair in the bathroom and it’s very thin and light and gets all over the place. Whenever I come out of the shower and my feet are wet I step in all these pieces of hair and they get stuck to my feet. The fact that you signed up to be a sperm donor in order to make extra cash without regard to the fact that there will be lots of your terrible offspring running around northern California just shows your selfishness and truly disgusts me! You swear to all of your friends and belittle them (even though they are very ugly) and I fear that soon it will get worse for me too. For this I am leaving. I need to get out and be free. You took this whole roommate relationship thing way too seriously and I just need to open up my wings and live my life. You’re holding me back and I need to soar and explore the world.

PS. I am taking the bean bag chairs and TV with me.