I Resign

Dear San Jose,

I am honestly sick and tired of living with you. You're boring, smelly, and have absolutely nothing to offer me. We’ve been together since I can remember, and although you’ve had your few good moments, the bad ones have outweighed all positives. I can’t even express to you how much you annoy me, and in this letter, I plan to express my grievances for the last time.

First and foremost, stop telling me that Santana Row is "where it's at" because honestly, it's not "where it's at." I've been there countless times and at least once a week, consistently finding myself painfully bored while trapped in such a wannabe-European establishment. Yes, its restaurants may be nice and it’s shopping better than average, but at this point, I dread stepping foot onto its cobblestone streets.

And don't get me started on Downtown - why you say you have a Downtown, I'm not sure, because truth be told, it's a few dimly lit streets with fly-infested restaurants (at best). In this case, size and personal hygiene do matter, and you're not really fulfilling my needs. Unless I want to hang out at sketchy middle-aged-men-populating nightclubs or get picked up as a prostitute, I'm found with nothing to occupy my time here.

Thank God I have my own car because you're unreliable for transportation, even when I need you most. Without that SUV of mine, I'd be stuck navigating your pointless "lightrail" system – I’d be thrown to the wolves, to put it lightly. If I wanted to catch a disease or surround myself in day-old vomit, I'd go visit a hospital. But props for wasting a good amount of our tax dollars on such a system, you’ve reached a record low in my book.

For being among the ten largest cities in America, you're pathetically behind your peers. You might as well forfeit said status and accept being the lowlife slum that you are.

And also, don't try to be ghetto, referring to yourself as "San Jo." Seriously? "San Jo"? How creative you are, it astounds me. Everybody laughs at both you and I for this name, and it embarrasses me to no avail. You're not cool and don't even pretend like that name makes you sound any better.

Please stop. I'm moving out as soon as possible. To be honest, I lie to people and say that I’m not with you. When someone asks me where I live, I choose to say “the Bay Area” rather than face the shame that your name brings upon myself.

I hope you know, too, that I've found someone new, someone who's actually worth my time, energy, and money. His name is Francisco - San Francisco; but he's another story, a story you wouldn't understand).

I’m not looking at you through the lenses of a child anymore. Ice skating rinks and Christmas in the Park aren’t going to do it for me at this age. I’ve been places, seen things you couldn’t even fathom, and moved onto bigger, better things. Imagine actually having a professional sports team, or being someone that people from across the globe would want to visit! Sorry, I didn’t mean to fill your head with dreams that will never be accomplished.

You claim to be the heart of Silicon Valley, but you’ve lost a place in my own, forever.

Goodbye, San Jose.

I'll never know the way to you again.

-Ashley Sipos-Phelan